Joke

It's funny 'cos it's true.

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nightowl
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Joke

Post by nightowl » Tue Jul 29, 2003 9:59 am

The lucky frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom ! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

So, they go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6."

Now, this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by nightowl » Thu Jul 31, 2003 12:03 pm

How smart is your cat?

Four people were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart, but the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good, but the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government Worker and said,"What can your cat do?".

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by nightowl » Thu Jul 31, 2003 12:04 pm

Tim's dead goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

nightowl
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Post by nightowl » Mon Aug 04, 2003 9:36 am

Never felt better!

An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded his old hound dog into the buggy, had his favorite horse pulling the buggy, and was on his way. He had just rounded a curve when a speeding Mercedes ran into the back of his rig, wiping him out.
After months recovering he finally had his day in court. The defense called the local sheriff as a witness.

The defense lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say when you approached him at the scene of the accident?"

The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt better.'"

The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the farmer, "Did you really say that?"

"I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he replied.

So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked, "Did you really say, you 'never felt better?'"

The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the sheriff came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly injured, bleeding and looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the dog.

Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt bad, looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse.

Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I felt. So of course, I replied, "I never felt better!"
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by Bat » Mon Aug 04, 2003 10:24 am

:D :lol: 8) :)

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Post by loopymoo » Mon Aug 04, 2003 12:47 pm

Some oldies there maggie, you sorting through your old e-mails finally??? :);)

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Post by nightowl » Mon Aug 04, 2003 1:20 pm

:P
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by Kajun » Mon Aug 04, 2003 1:24 pm

She even emboldened the titles to try and make them look shiny and new. Bless.
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Post by loopymoo » Mon Aug 04, 2003 1:29 pm

Awwww ;)

nightowl
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Post by nightowl » Mon Aug 04, 2003 2:09 pm

Image + Image

:P
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by Kajun » Mon Aug 04, 2003 3:06 pm

Image + Image
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Post by nightowl » Mon Aug 04, 2003 3:32 pm

/draws back right leg and extends at high velocity :P

Ouch !
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by nightowl » Tue Aug 05, 2003 5:14 pm

Constipated horse

A farmer goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."
The vet replies, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

The farmer comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

The farmer responds, "The horse blew first."
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by nightowl » Sat Aug 09, 2003 9:34 am

Insects

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.

Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by nightowl » Mon Aug 18, 2003 11:16 am

The farmer and the kid

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"

"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by nightowl » Wed Aug 20, 2003 7:31 am

Gorilla in a tree

Ben wakes up one morning and sees a gorilla perched in a tree near his bedroom window. Shocked, he calls the local animal control officer who transfers his call to an exotic animal specialist.

Ben explains the situation, and the specialist asks, 'Is the gorilla male or female?'

'A male, I think,' says Ben.

'Okay, I'll be right over to take care of him,' the specialist says.

A few minutes later, the specialist arrives with a Chihuahua, a club, handcuffs and a shotgun.

The specialist explains his plan to Ben: 'I'll climb up to the gorilla and knock him out of the tree with the club. When the gorilla hits the ground, the Chihuahua will run over and try to bite him in the crotch. The gorilla will then cross his hands over his vitals to cover them. That's your cue to slap the cuffs on him. Got it?'

'Sure. But what's the shotgun for?' Ben asks.

'If the gorilla knocks me out of the tree, use it to shoot the darn Chihuahua!'
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by nightowl » Thu Aug 28, 2003 1:24 pm

Four ducks

There were four ducks that got arrested while messing around at the pond. The judge orders the ducks to come in one at a time to speak their piece.

The first duck comes in.

"What's your name,son?", the judge asks.

"Duck", replied the duck.

"What are you in for?" the judge asks.

"Well, I was sitting at the pond blowing bubbles, and the cop came by and arrested me."

The judge said "O.K., send in the next duck."

The next duck came in. His name was "Duck,Duck", and he told the exact same story as the first duck.

After his examination, the judge asked for the third duck to be sent in. The third duck's name was "Duck,Duck,Duck", and he told the same story as the first two.

Finally, the judge sent for the fourth duck.

As he came in, the judge said,"Let me guess...Your name is Duck,Duck,Duck,Duck...right?"

The duck replied, "No sir, my name is Bubbles."
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by Hermes » Sat Aug 30, 2003 8:35 am

Oh Maggie, how you've brought a smile to my face with these oldies

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Post by nightowl » Sat Aug 30, 2003 12:38 pm

The oldies are the best. its when someone asks you to remember a joke and you can't for the life of you remember any :lol: so you sit there a rack your brain and get pissed off lol

I just thought that I would remind peeps to save them getting angry ;)
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by nightowl » Sun Aug 31, 2003 4:27 pm

The hair joke

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources.

Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "It's Keith; he's a midget."
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by nightowl » Sun Aug 31, 2003 4:36 pm

Fannie Green

A man enters the confessional and says to the Priest, "Father, it has
been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie
Green, every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3
Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green

twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing for Mass when a
gorgeous, tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her as
she slowly walks up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her
dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs
slightly spread apart: she is obviously not wearing any underwear.

The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No
Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by nightowl » Sun Aug 31, 2003 4:47 pm

More Useful

Morris was in a terrible accident and his & manhood was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for small $6500 for medium and $12,000 for large. Morris was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

Morris called his wife Sherry on the phone and explained their options. The Dr. came back into the room and found the man looking crushed. Well, what have the two of you decided? asked the Dr. Morris answered, She said she would rather remodel the kitchen.
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by nightowl » Wed Sep 03, 2003 8:50 am

The parrot with no legs

This guy walks into a petstore. For the past two weeks he has suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he decides to buy a parrot that can tell him what goes on at his house during the day while he is at work.

'Well' says the petstore owner, 'I only got one bird that can do that, but he's got no legs. The guy looks at him and says, 'Well if he ain't got no legs, how's he balance himself on the perch.

'He's got a really long penis, so he wraps it around the perch.' The guy thinks it over and decides to buy the parrot. He takes it home and sure enough the bird wraps his penis around the perch for balance.

Everyday the man comes home and asks the parrot if his wife has been cheating on him. Everytime the same answer, 'Raawk, nothing doing, Raawk'. Well, one day he comes home and finds the parrot lying on the bottom of its birdcage. He picks it up and asks what has happened. 'Raawk, big happenings, Raawk, big happenings'.

'Well, what happened?' asks the man.

The parrot responds, 'Raawk, first your best friend came over, Raawk, then your wife made him breakfast, raawk, then they started kissing, raawk, then your wife took off her shirt.

'And, and, then what happens?' asks the man really upset. 'Raawk, I don't know, thats when I got a woody and fell off my perch!'
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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Post by Hermes » Wed Sep 03, 2003 9:06 am

LMAO

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Post by nightowl » Thu Sep 11, 2003 10:56 am

Gorilla in heat

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian diagnosed the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her.

Second, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
If you can't change your circumstances, then change your perceptions :P

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